I’m starting the Writing 101 from Word Press today, a day late, but that’s OK. I will combine two assignements in one, meaning a stream of consciouness writing combined to the second challenge: where would you go right now if you could zoom through space?
The answer is: anywhere and nowhere. I don’t really care. These past few weeks I’ve been so incredibly tired that I am past caring about a lot of things, and I get the feeling I’m not alone. I am not into the New Age cosmic stuff, but I sense that there is something happening that makes us feel disconnected from ourselves. So if I had to be in another place right now, I would just want to me in my own body. Totally grounded, totally one, not having the feeling that my brain is somewhere and my limbs are in completely another dimension. Somehow the two seem to coexist, but the brain is moving at a separate level, at a different pace.
It might be the exhaustion, the accumulation of stress that has finally been released to leave a total emptiness that is not yet filled, a void that is strangely not uncomfortable and at the same time extremely weird to experience. How could I put into words? Isn’t it what writing is all about, to be able to express with words what you can only feel, to try to make sense of things that have no shape and meaning. I do not know where I am, mentally and emotionally. So how could I even think of going anywhere?
Any doctor would probably diagnose a depression and prescribe pills, but I am not depressed. I love life, I’m not anxious, angry, desperate, sad or suicidal. I have simply exhausted my limited supply of energy, and I need now to replenish it. Doing things I love, eating and sleeping. Sleep, precious sleep. In the past, people went to rest homes when their nerves were shattered. I wish I could do that, go somewhere in nature with nothing but trees, birds, and food. Sleep, eat, and knit a little too.
Another three weeks to go before I leave the company I’ve been working past for the past 15 and a half years. That is a long time. Way too long. The exhaustion had been there for months when they arrived in our office and sacked team after team. Since then my life has been on hold, managing things as best I can until my time has come to pack my things and go.
Blogging is an attempt to try and see if writing is any good to me, and if I’m any good at it. I’m not sure yet. Time will tell. I don’t even know if I’ll make it to the end of this challenge, the word itself is exhausting as it implies effort, time, energy. I have plenty of time but none of the rest. But I know it will come back, somehow. The only place to go when you’re down is up again.
And now I will click Publish, and let this weird ramble go out in the world.